I've been struggling for the last few days - wavering about calling P after I broke things off with him last week. I broke things off for a lot of reasons, namely gut instinct that it wouldn't last and we were mismatched in expectations and desires, as well as in motivation. I wanted to be in love with him, and I guess in a way I was - my realization is that I loved the idea that he thought I was beautiful and fulfilled things in his wants - but I don't actually think it was love.
I've thought a lot about love - and I wonder if I really loved R. I know I have feelings of love and friendship for things we shared over the years, but we didn't share the deep abiding love I see in other closely connected couples. Some time ago after he first left I began watching people, and one Sunday my Bishop's face lit up as he saw his wife walk in to the chapel, a slow deep abiding love kind of smile where you know they truly value each other and can't wait to spend time with each other. I knew then that I wanted that kind of love.
This whole last three months in dating P I felt like I had glimpses of things I wanted, but none of them gave actual strength behind them. He didn't challenge me - I don't mean to a fight or combatitively - just that he didn't make me want to be more. He didn't inspire me to want to conquer the world to keep him in my life. I don't know if that's the right measurement for love, but I know at the end of my marriage, when I realized R was leaving - I knew I'd give up just about anything to fix things. But it was too late.
I've been trying to implement some of the stuff I learned in therapy - when leaving a relationship - leave all the way if there is not going to be anything more of it. It's way harder than I thought - and different than I thought it would be. Because I have isolated myself out of all friendships - there is a lot of quiet /alone time that I'm not sure what to do with. I've been really grateful for school to help fill the void while I learn how to do things alone. Truth is, I really feel like I need to work on being alone for a little while.
So far since making the decision to purposely be alone, I've cut off contact from EVERY guy relationship. So I find myself when I feel lonely wanting to reach out to them - not because I want to start things back up in a dating sense, but just because I want that ego lift when they respond to my news as their own. I know it's selfish of me to want them to celebrate my successes and so far I have done well with remembering this and so have not reached out to them. I find myself even wanting to reach out to R. I miss him a lot. And while I've put away the dream of ever reconnecting and returning to a long-term relationship with him, I still have moments where I wish I could have the white picket fence dream.
I suppose I've just been needing to get everything out. For the past year or so I've been stuck in the shoulda's - wishful thinking at best of the life I left behind. And now I feel drawn to recreate the life I want. So little by little I'm getting there. I started making changes to the house to make it nicer. I know I won't be here forever, but I'd like it to be nicer than it currently is. I'm still looking for a new dining table and chairs, and I'd like to eventually get some real room furniture for myself. For now I'm making do and changing up the things I can. Maybe that should be my motto this week - Improving where I can.