Thursday, October 18, 2012

Day 18 (scream, yell, swear *deep breath*)

I'm hurt.
I'm sad.
I hate today.

twenty one years ago today I married my best friend.  
and two years ago I divorced him.

I purposely put the occasion of today away and didn't linger on it - I'm tired of fighting the internal battle with myself over what I could have done different.  How I could have changed things, and where I could have done better.  How I'm failing my kids.  With recent working on accepting the atonement I knew letting go of those things was important.

and then he texted me.  He wanted me to know he had no regrets.
he is so selfish.

***deep breath***

I sit here in tears typing this - and maybe it's the passage of time, maybe it's my reading the conference talks (faith, fortitude and fulfillment: A message for single parents and race of life) in preparation for my lesson - and maybe it's just my great desire to MOVE ON - but my tears are different.  I am sad.  I really wanted the eternally ever after story.  I miss my friend. He just got me - from day one.  I'm mad that he tries to compare his "hard life" to what the kids and I have faced, but I know he can only see his own struggle and I can only see mine.  I have written and erased several paragraphs now that only make me out to be a jealous, bitter woman (and maybe there is a teensy part of truth in that), but I refuse to let those feelings escape.

It is not who I am.

I do love my life.  I love my kids - they are the best part of my life.  I have great hope about possibilities in the future.  and I have a firm grasp on reality - I might not ever find that someone who makes me realize why these 19 years didn't work.  and the truth is, I'm actually okay with that.  I'm not even close to being ready to trust someone else with my heart again, yet.

***deep breath***

My grandmother used to say "scream, yell, swear" when she was frustrated - her own way of guarding her against giving in to using profanities.  That's how I feel today - I am frustrated, but relieved in a weird way that things ARE changing - albeit slowly - they ARE changing.  I pray that this is like other things and in a few years I won't feel so crybaby about it.

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