Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Gratituesday (Day 2) 10.2.2012

Gratituesday again.

Back during my divorce, my therapist challenged me with the idea that amid the chaos and craziness that ensues during the course of ending things it is so important to recognize the GOOD, the IMPROVED, the BLESSINGS that exist in our lives, no matter how small, or how insignificant it may seem.  Recognizing that we do have good things in our lives allows me to refocus and gain perspective.

I'm full of thoughts these days - feeling better overall will do that.
And at the same time I feel flooded with emotions that I don't want am not ready to let out.

When I was growing up I would catch my first cold of winter and I'd lose my voice for the bulk of the season.  It was limiting, it was restrictive, it was something I resented - a punishment.  Every doctor we would meet with would assure us he would find the magical cure, but for years and years I just went without a voice, or lived with a limited voice from September until March.

It hasn't been until this past little while that I realized the gift that this ailment is.  And of course now that I have learned to appreciate it, I've found tricks to prevent it.  You see - I'm a talker.  It's not a secret.  After all, EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of my teachers through school commented on my socializing.  I tend to lead conversations rather than just sitting back because a part of me is insecure, and another part of me just likes to gab and get to know others.  Better to lead than be led into conversations I don't want to be a part of right?

Wrong.

I've been purposely sitting back lately.  Taking in conversations, listening to non-audible body language and tones.  I realize now I have missed so much.  It's not just the information I've missed out on, I realize now I also missed out on so much more.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's like I've woken out of a deep sleep really.  I'm suddenly realizing I don't need or want to be the center of attention, that I am not so important that I need the world to know who I am -

Because I know who I am.

I've had some major inspirations and moments this week that fill me to overflowing with thoughts and words and in that moment, I know who I am, I know what I want, and I realize I am alone responsible for overcoming the obstacles in my way.  It is humbling.  It is scary.  It is a little overwhelming. 

but, I am grateful. 

I am grateful for learning to embrace silence, alone-ness, and even more grateful for the realization that while we have families and friends to lean on for moral support and help, at the end of the day we must conquer the dragons on our own.  Emotion sits carefully balanced in my throat writing all this - I am not sad, not at all.  I am overwhelmed by the love I feel from my Heavenly Father and enveloped in the stillness of peace in knowing I can do this. 

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